In the Lord's Arms
Things are better now, but it has been a rocky road getting there. I'm sure more bumps are still to come.
I woke up at 4 a.m. with a killer charley horse. I got them a lot my senior year in high school, but haven't had too many since. Anyway, I realized my sleeping bag (unzipped, it serves as my comforter) was on the floor, so I leaned out of bed to pick it up. As I came back up, I slammed my head on the corner of my nightstand. Nice. I couldn't sleep for a while more, but I eventually fell back asleep.
This morning, I went out to a garden on campus ("The Garden of Tranquility," I believe it's called) and talked to God for a while. I was frustrated, and I told Him so. It was good though, in the end. I realized that just hanging out and watching TV with my roommate is a blessing, and an opportunity to get to know her better. I also remembered that, as much as I'd like it to be, my plan is RARELY the same as God's plan. I want to live prayerfully, and this week is a chance to do so. I don't need to be lonely; I don't need to be searching for "the right plan." God can walk with me every single step of the way, and I'm sure that He'll lead me wherever I need to go. A year ago, I got a journal with a letter in the front of it. I re-read that letter today, and I couldn't help but smile as I realized that God really, truly is waiting for me to "throw (myself) headlong into His arms so that He might hold (me)." I'm so excited now about spending the rest of the week in God's arms. Even if I don't directly see the fruits of this week in my attempts at "outreach," I firmly believe God wants this week to be one (the first of the rest of my life, hopefully) in which I really let Him hold me.
posted by Audrey @ 1:09 PM
2 Comments:
It sounds to me like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself. I'm not saying that you don't want to learn to trust God, and that's all great - but try to relax a little bit, okay? We can't always see God's plan. Maybe you won't talk to a single new person this week. Maybe that's good. Maybe it's to teach you a lesson, you know? I have no idea. Relax. Everything will be OK.
And, though trusting/following God is great, and I absolutely support that, you cannot substitute that for relationships with people. I know you're not supposed to hang out with your friends there this week, but be careful not to get in the mindset that friendships are bad and hinder you from doing ministry.
I hope this doesn't all sound harsh. =) I'm looking forward to talking tomorrow.
I think you're incredibly right. Good work. I don't think I expressed myself incredibly well... I guess what I figured out this morning is that I MIGHT NOT see anything amazing happen this week or this semester. The point is, I know this week can be God's, and that's really a good thing. And I am MUCH more relaxed than I was last night (when I basically thought that God had abandoned me, I had no purpose here, and I was failing miserably.) =) I know everything is okay.
And don't worry... the lesson that community is important is not one that will easily be un-learned. I spent way too much time with the "God is all I need" mindset, and I hate living that way. I have an amazing best friend, as well as some pretty incredible close friends, and I'm enjoying seeing that community grow.
Thanks for the true (and only a little harsh =) ) words. You're a tremendous blessing and loyal friend. I love how you have seen and helped me grow in the past couple years; I wish you could be here to see me now. Although I still fall, I really feel like I can see God shaping me this semester. And THAT is really cool, Claire.
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