on anger

Sometimes I go days at a time without the desire/time/ability to construct a decent blog entry. Other times, I feel like I can't record enough of my thoughts on paper (or in cyberspace... whatever). Anyway... apparently this is one of the latter times.

Do you ever have a realization that you should have had a year ago? Or maybe even more... years ago, sometimes. I feel like this happens to me a lot. I had one of those about ten minutes ago, and I feel like the best way for me to put my thoughts in order is to try to write them down.

I think that Satan uses anger as an incredibly powerful tool to disrupt my spiritual life. I feel like this is probably obvious, but I just put it together today. When things are going well, or have the potential to go well, I think Satan has discovered that he can take someone, give them certain characteristics to make me angry, and let my emotions run their course. I find this sort of funny, because I think I am generally a pretty easy-going person. However, I think that Satan is aware that there is a potential for anger in my life, and he figured out how to trigger it. This happened a year ago; my spiritual life stalled out until I could get over this HUGE roadblock of anger. The thing I never thought about today was that the anger really came into my life full force soon after the fall retreat, the time when someone sat me down, listened to my pain, and told me they loved me. The time I see as a turning point in the way I viewed community, especially the importance of opening up to a family of believers. I got so mad, that it was, at times, paralyzing to my walk. I couldn't focus on God because I couldn't focus on anything but my anger.

It's happening again, but this time is different. Things are going well here, and I love it. But one person has, in the course of the past week, repeatedly upset me with her actions. I guess it's not important what she is doing - that's not anything I can control. I know I can't control the actions and behaviors of others; I can, however, choose my response. I can choose to cave in to Satan's call for anger, or I can ask God to lift me above the anger and treat this person with love. She WILL be a part of the same activities that I'm involved with, and there are times (ie, later this afternoon) when it will be the two of us at a table with someone who isn't sold on Christianity... someone who takes all she knows about God and Christians from the people she interacts with. So, at the table today, I want God to be sitting right next to me. I NEED Him to be.

I know that Satan sees something he wants to stop, and I know that the only way I can get through it is by turning to God. So, I hope and pray that I can turn to Him. It's hard, but I don't want anger to control me. I don't want anger to keep me from a great conversation (or anything else) that could impact me or someone I care about.

speaking of...

I think my left arm will be sore tomorrow. I babysat Jack tonight, and he's one heavy baby. At 5 months, he's "above the 100th percentile," according to his mom. Maybe that's not true, but he's pretty big. Add to the fact that he's teething and easily bored, and that he loves to be walked around outside... and I held him for about 2 of the 3 hours.

My roommate woke me up this morning. I went to bed pretty late, and I planned to sleep in until about 10. At 8 am, my roommate arrived in our dorm. At 8:20, she began studying for a test... by reading her notes. Out loud. She did this for a full 40 minutes before I finally just gave up and got up, and then did it another 30 minutes. Based on conversations and class discussions, I think upper-class Mexicans of our generation (especially girls) have a different understanding of courtesy than we do. It's a good lesson in patience for me, and I'm learning about the culture. That's good.

Speaking of interesting class discussions, I said the most obscene (well, an innuendo of obscenity, at least)and most hilarious thing I have ever said to anyone over the age of 30 today. We were discussing pick-up lines in Mexico, and I shared the funniest one that any of my friends told me. My (female) teacher laughed out loud for a solid 30 seconds, attempted to move on, and then looked at me and laughed another 20 seconds. It was awesome.

Speaking of this discussion in class, we talked about something interesting. Our teacher told us that in Mexico, there is absolutely no concept of "sexual harassment." In fact, any advances made by a man are considered either flattering, prompted by the woman's behavior, dress, etc., or some combination of the two. Entirely different than the States, in many ways. It makes me wonder... are we ENTIRELY right? The women's rights/general support of people being treated in a humane loving way side of me tells me that a woman is never at fault for unwanted advances. But... there's this huge gray area. Don't get me wrong: in no way, shape, or form am I condoning or EVER excusing rape. I'm just wondering... are all of the people filing sexual harassment lawsuits genuinely hurt by actions? Were any of those actions prompted by the behavior of the person filing the complaint? I don't think our culture is wrong... but it's just weird to see another country's drastically different point of view.

I'm exhausted. Time for bed.

I broke my camera, and that makes me sad.

The first ever baptism of an El Pozo student was this morning. Very cool. We went to this weird swimming pool/park/retreat center outside of Puebla, and Elsa was one of 20-25 people to get baptized. (The others all attend the church we go to, Torre Fuerte.) Nathan got to baptize her, and it was a really cool experience. Afterwards, we had a big "birthday party" for Elsa... cake, punch, a pinata, Slip and Slide, and other games. I had a really great time.

I have hung out with Megan, one of the other exchange students, a lot this weekend. It has been really good. It's funny how much she reminds me of my best friend in some ways (but is very different in other ways)... She loves purple, earrings, reading, and walking places much faster than anyone else likes to walk there. Anyway, we've had a good time hanging out. She's pretty introverted, and sometimes that means it's hard to get anything about what she's actually going through out of her, at least until AFTER she's done going through it. We laugh together a lot, though, and that's nice. We both love to tell stories, and so that has been good. It's nice to talk to someone else who has a great best friend back home - someone else who understands the risks of getting too close, but has found how great it can be to put God in charge of a valuable friendship.

I think my camera is broken. I dropped it this afternoon (after taking pictures of Elsa's baptism, of course), and now it won't turn on. I tried new batteries, and it's still not working. This drives me nuts, especially because it's ENTIRELY because I did something stupid, and I really usually take good care of the nice things that I have. I guess I will just have to usurp the pictures Kassie takes for the rest of the trip. How annoying. But, really, not a huge deal.

It's not that late (11:45... not 7:30, in case the timestamp says something different =)), but I think I'm going to read and then sleep. I'm pretty tired, and tomorrow's a full day of church, lunch, and who knows what else.

In the Lord's Arms

Things are better now, but it has been a rocky road getting there. I'm sure more bumps are still to come.

I woke up at 4 a.m. with a killer charley horse. I got them a lot my senior year in high school, but haven't had too many since. Anyway, I realized my sleeping bag (unzipped, it serves as my comforter) was on the floor, so I leaned out of bed to pick it up. As I came back up, I slammed my head on the corner of my nightstand. Nice. I couldn't sleep for a while more, but I eventually fell back asleep.

This morning, I went out to a garden on campus ("The Garden of Tranquility," I believe it's called) and talked to God for a while. I was frustrated, and I told Him so. It was good though, in the end. I realized that just hanging out and watching TV with my roommate is a blessing, and an opportunity to get to know her better. I also remembered that, as much as I'd like it to be, my plan is RARELY the same as God's plan. I want to live prayerfully, and this week is a chance to do so. I don't need to be lonely; I don't need to be searching for "the right plan." God can walk with me every single step of the way, and I'm sure that He'll lead me wherever I need to go. A year ago, I got a journal with a letter in the front of it. I re-read that letter today, and I couldn't help but smile as I realized that God really, truly is waiting for me to "throw (myself) headlong into His arms so that He might hold (me)." I'm so excited now about spending the rest of the week in God's arms. Even if I don't directly see the fruits of this week in my attempts at "outreach," I firmly believe God wants this week to be one (the first of the rest of my life, hopefully) in which I really let Him hold me.

Tonight was a little bit frustrating. I knew this week would be a challenge, but I guess I wasn't expecting it to actually be HARD.

After class, I went out by the fountain and read. I sat outside for well over an hour, and I didn't see anyone I knew. The El Pozo volleyball team (not my team - the good team) had a game tonight, but we had decided earlier that we probably shouldn't go unless we brought people with us. I wanted to get out and do something, so I texted two people I have been trying to meet with and asked if they wanted to come. One said she'd try, and texted me ten minutes before the game and said she couldn't. The other never wrote back.

It's just... I don't know. It's hard to feel like a "missionary" or even a successful witness when all I do in a night is watch a couple of episodes of The Simpsons with one of my roommates. I hate that I sat outside as long as I did, and I didn't even see anyone I could talk to. I'm not someone who can just go up to people and start talking. For the first time since getting here, I felt lonely. I felt like I didn't know my purpose. I HATE that.

I have plans to eat lunch with a friend on Wednesday. That should be good. Until then, I pray that I can find my purpose. One of my goals for the semester is to begin to live "prayerfully" - to allow God to walk with me all the time. I want to start doing that. I know that, if I were, I wouldn't feel lonely. I wouldn't search for a purpose, because I'd be letting God lead me to it all the time. I pray that, tomorrow, I let God walk with me.

what makes love the exception?

This week should be a bit crazy. With "Operation: Elsa" fully in action, we have been charged with getting out into the UDLA community and making our presence felt. I hope to eat lunch or get coffee with three friends, and maybe offer my skills at speaking english/understanding engineering texts (somewhat, at least) to the chemical engineering department. All the textbooks for engineering are in english, and angie (our exchange coordinator) suggested making friends by just putting my name out there as someone who can do that. It's scary, but I also really feel like God will bless this week. I asked Angie at our meeting today how to make friends, and I said I couldn't imagine myself just going up and talking to people in the dining hall. She said, "Well, is that how you make friends at home?" I told her no... I'm much more of a "make people feel comfortable/help people out" kind of person, and she said that I shouldnt try to be someone other than the person God made me - that He'll use my gifts, if I'm open to being used. That was encouraging... I guess I sort of felt like I wouldn't succeed this week unless I could go up to random people and strike up a conversation.

A really cool part of the day came after our meeting. I was the last one out of the office, and Angie pulled me (literally... think: pulled behind a vending machine in downtown Columbia =) ) back into the office. She said she wanted to thank me for putting my advice and words into the meeting. Then, she went on to say that she wanted to tell me that she saw that I seemed to have a sense of purpose here, and that she could tell I really craved to be used in God's ways here. She said she can see me growing and opening up and changing, and that it was really cool. She told me I was a leader, and that I was a part of the foundation of this team, and she was really proud. Coming from a very cool, but fairly not-affectionate person, that was pretty freaking awesome to hear.

Tonight is Independence Day in Mexico, and I'm pumped. The actual holiday is tomorrow, but today is the night of celebration... at 11 pm, all over the country, leaders (the president in Mexico City, but governors and mayors in every other city/village in the country) will give the "grito." Literally, the grito is a "shout," but in this case, it's someone shouting "Viva Mexico." We're going to Puebla for dinner, and then the zocalo of Puebla for the grito. It should be crazy, but I think I'll have a blast. I've learned to enjoy crazy much more than I used to. Hopefully, I (and my camera) will live to tell and show pictures of the night.

I had no idea I felt so passionately about people I care about smoking until people I care about started smoking. It's hard to speak up about something that can make you seem "self-righteous," but I just hate to see people make decisions that I know won't turn out well. Six months ago, I watched my family mourn someone we loved... someone who quit smoking more than twenty years ago, and someone who died from smoking. Three weeks ago, another exchange student lost her grandfather in the exact same way. And now, seeing people on our team starting to smoke... it makes me sick. I decided today that I wont stay in the room/at the table with them if they're smoking. I won't be around that junk.

On a MUCH more exciting, positive note... one of the student leaders at El Pozo accepted Christ at church today! Elsa has been close to accepting Christ for a while, but never has. I guess, last week during communion, she asked Erin (one of the El Pozo staff) if she could take the bread and cup. Erin said that if she believed that Jesus died for her sins, she could. Elsa said "I believe" and took them. This week, they asked for anyone wanting to make a public confession to come forward, and she did. Erin said they're going to talk to her about baptism this week. That'd be huge. It's cool to see God bringing the team towards the goal they prayerfully set. Very exciting.

Though the world moves like mad...

The past week or so hasn't been very exciting, but I think that's good for me. I have finally had to accept that I really, truly, live in Mexico. (For the next few months, at least)... that means it's not all crazy, and life isn't always an adventure. I shouldn't try to make it all an adventure. I am typically moderately introverted (I like people, but I also LOVE my alone time), but I have basically avoided being alone for extended periods of time here. Until a couple of days ago, I hated being in my room alone... that was when I started to become lonely. I'm trying to learn to enjoy alone time. It makes time with people even better, and it allows me to unwind a little bit. Nice. I got out my guitar and played for a little while tonight, and I'm so glad that I did... I've missed that.

I have discovered two new worship songs I really enjoy: "Those Who Trust" and "Land of the Living." Georgia Southern does them a lot, and so Andrew (one of the other exchange students) plays them frequently. Very nice. Check them out sometime, if possible. (The title of this entry is from "Those Who Trust")

I am not homesick at all, but I'm starting to miss little things... in the realm of food: oatmeal creme pies, sushi from Sushi Station, GOOD root beer floats, Wendy's, Chipotle (I know, I know... I'm in Mexico. I shouldn't miss burritos). Other things: random drawings of (sadly, deceased) bettas, fast internet connections, cell phones with color screens, the crossword in the newspaper, newspapers in english, homework involving NUMBERS (I had no idea I would miss this... but I'm starting to), Judy (my car), free refills.

I'm tired, and if I go to bed now, I can fall asleep to the sound of rain. So... good night.

insert your own clever title here.

I don't really feel like I have enough to say about one thing to write a full entry, but I do have a lot of little things, and I really want to put them down in some sort of written form. So bear with me, as I jump from topic to topic.

- Today marks the official one month mark (if you consider a month to be four weeks, rather than from Aug. 4 to Sep. 4... but now I'm just getting technical). I can't decide if it seems like much longer or much less time. The days fly by - every day, at 6 or 7 pm, I say (out loud or to myself) "seriously? it's evening already?" ... at the same time, it seems FOREVER ago, that I was in Kansas. The fact that we've been her for a month is also somewhat startling, since it means that I am 1/4 of the way through this experience. I hope the learning, growing, and impacting the lives of people only increases for the next three and a half months.

- I went to this salsa club called "La Casa de Mohito" last night for the second time. Last time, only a few of us went. This time, all ten of us did. I danced once the first time and didn't enjoy it. I didn't dance last night, and after about 90 minutes, three of us decided we were ready to go. None of the three of us enjoyed ourselves, and we agreed to not go back. One of the ten team members keeps saying "you have to do it, we're in Mexico!" and we all agreed that's stupid logic - if you hate something in the States, it's not bad to hate it here, too.

- I have stopped saying "in America" because someone told us that it's very offensive to Latin Americans - they are just as "American" as we are, and we are just as much in "America" here as we are at home. I mostly just say "in the States" now.

- Yesterday during Cafe Ingles, we had conversation starters, in case Mexicans wanted to practice normal conversation (instead of playing games, etc.)... Megan, Kassie, and I tried them out for a little while. I asked Megan to tell me about her best friend (it was one of the provided questions), and it was beautiful. That, in combination with a conversation with my best friend the night before, was a great reminder of how beautifully God can show His love between people. To hear Megan speak so passionately about how wise and compassionate her best friend is, and how much she has taught her about the love of Christ... it was just cool. I think I will always have a special place in my heart for such friendships. I think many people never have them, and I'm not saying that countless close friendships aren't important... but those who are blessed enough to experience such a friendship... it's just cool.

- This has been much lamer of an entry that I anticipated. I apologize. I have to go though - time to go out for the evening. In conclusion, I love: Mexico, best friends, and hooded sweatshirts. (That has nothing to do with anything... I'm just wearing one right now.)