A God-sized dream

This week's assignment for my Puebla devotional is to share a "God-sized dream" with the group. I read this on Tuesday, and hadn't really come up with a good thing to e-mail out to the group. It's supposed to be something that, "once it's answered, you will know that it was the hand of God because you are praying for something so big that you know you can't do it on your own." Tonight, though, I think I finally figured out my "God-sized dream."

I'm dreaming, hoping, and praying that this experience can be the beginning of a life in which I truly trust God. I've seen glimpses of it before. If I had to pick a time in which I feel I was REALLY following God's plan for me, with the least amount of questioning and the most amount of trust, I think I would say it was deciding to go to Puebla. I never chose this path. I came into this year saying, "yeah, it's a cool trip... but not for me." But God led me down this path, and I followed. And it was AMAZING.

So... why do I let it slip away, now? Why do I let worry and fear and mixed messages send me into a frenzy? I hate that, and I'm sick of the life it makes me lead. I hate that signing up for classes and paying fees can send me into a frenzy. I hate that life throws me a curve ball, and I run away crying. I don't want to do that. I want to step up, knock one out of the park, and do it because God is making it happen. It's not even that, though. I want to trust God to do it on His time. I want the certainty in my heart and in my mind that God has a tremendous plan for me. I usually do. But if something comes up that seems to stand in the way of that plan, I freak out. For example (this is entirely hypothetical =)), an e-mail directly contradicting a phone conversation about whether all of my documents are on file at the school at which I hope to study abroad in a month is enough to drive me to tears. I know a lot of this is just the fear of a new situation being expressed, but it's ridiculous. God has a plan, and He will protect me, and He's taking me where He wants me. I know this. I just... I want to believe it. I want to trust it. I want to cling to that when the waves crash down, and I want my faith in God to keep my afloat.

Tonight, at Campus Christians, we talked about being a servant. We talked about how we're not called to be kings, but instead we need to be servants in our communities. This wasn't anything revolutionary, but our discussion of what qualities a good servant displays got me thinking. A good servant trusts his master, right? A good servant, when sent on a mission, doesn't say "master, that's not the fastest way," or "don't you think there's a better plan?" He follows, he obeys, and he recognizes the wisdom and power of the one who leads him. THAT is what I want for my life.

That's enough rambling for tonight. I'm done.