things I love and other thoughts from the lab...
I have now successfully completed three days in the lab. That's a drop in bucket compared to 10 weeks, I guess... but it seems like the first couple of days can be the hardest sometimes, so I'll view these three days as an accomplishment. =) I feel like I have actually done very little in these three days, as I really only have about 14 pieces of data to show for 24 hours work of work. I guess that's just how research goes. It's hard to not be discouraged when minor mistakes are almost more frequent than any sort of results worth noting.
Anyway, I got 12 of the 14 pieces of data mid-morning, so this afternoon was pretty slow. Things seem hectic when doing two things at once, but when you only have one, there seems to be an awful lot of downtime. In all of that downtime, I did some reading and some thinking. The thinking was mostly a result of my mind wandering, but I did think about some interesting things. I'm going to write them down... if you get bored, feel free to stop reading.
- I am not defined by my failures, nor am I defined by my successes. This is a lesson I've been learning for a while. Historically (in the History of Audrey), it has been a battle to not be defined by school - when I mess up in a class, I am NOT a complete failure; simultaneously, when I get an 'A', that does not define my worth. Lately, though, I've realized that I have the same mindset in life. It has taken a while and some very patient people, but I'm starting to buy into the idea that my failures don't have to stick with me. I will NEVER be defined by my failures, no matter how many times I trip and fall. And, really, there is only one success that matters - letting go of my life and giving it to God is the only decision that I have to make.
- "The heart is the dwelling place of our true beliefs." I'm reading "Waking the Dead," by John Eldredge right now, and I'm really enjoying it. I think this quote is sort of a novel idea to me... if you know me (and anyone reading this, hopefully, at least knows something about me), you know how logic-oriented I am. I love to understand WHY, and I rarely do something unless there is a logical reason for it. So, this book challenges me with something I've been working on for a while... opening up my heart. I'm not sure why, in the past, I've chosen to stay emotionally reserved. Eldredge suggests it is, perhaps, because we know the power of that which is in our hearts, and we're scared of the tears and joy that could come along with living a fuller life. I think that's probably a big part of it. In more recent times, I think part of it is being scared that opening my heart up will lead to building unhealthy relationships. I know that's not true - a life with an open, alive heart means one in which God has fully invaded my heart, and a life like that cannot be bad. I KNOW all of this, and I am finally starting to feel it. That means learning all of this stuff over again, and constantly reminding myself (see bullet point number one) that I am not who I was when I failed. Even today, I had to stop, think, pray, and decide for myself that it is normal (and maybe even healthy, in some amount) to miss a dear friend. It's not the gut-wrenching, breath-stealing, painful sort of missing that once hurt my heart, my relationship with God, and even my relationship with the person I missed... it's just a normal, "man, I like when she's here and it's a shame that she's not" train of thought. It went away, and the day went on. And I think that's okay... but I'm still learning. =)
- In Eldrdge's book, he tells the reader to stop reading, close the book, and make a list of things he/she loves. Here is my list, in no particular order, written in the student office on a scrap of paper between experiments...
Things I Love
Watching God do His thing
A wonderful best friend
Worship at CCF
My community at CCF
My friends from school
Reading
Playing the piano in my house
Watching good movies
Good food
Perfect evenings in late spring/early summer in Kansas
Thunderstorms
My family
Laughing
Hopefully this wasn't too boring. I'm going to go read "Gene Cloning: an introduction."
posted by Audrey @ 7:01 PM
1 Comments:
I'm proud of you. That's it, that's all I wanted to say.
Now where did I hear that recently? :)
Seriously, though, I know how hard it is for you to not be excelling at something like this instantly. I think it's really cool that you're dealing with it in a mature and God-centered way.
I LOVE Waking the Dead. I'm so glad you're enjoying it. We'll have to talk more about it in detail sometime.
I also wanted to say that I have that fear of getting myself too deep into people and ending up with new unhealthy relationships. I think, though, like you said, that we have to remember that can't happen if our most important relationship is with God and we stay centered on Him. I start to worry, too, that it's still a problem for me sometimes, but I try to remind myself that missing people to an appropriate degree is healthy and normal, and I know what it looks like when it gets out of hand. I really like the way you described it - "gut-wrenching, breath-stealing, painful sort of missing" - and that's really a compliment from a journalism major and copy editor. :)
Post a Comment
<< Home