A God-sized dream

This week's assignment for my Puebla devotional is to share a "God-sized dream" with the group. I read this on Tuesday, and hadn't really come up with a good thing to e-mail out to the group. It's supposed to be something that, "once it's answered, you will know that it was the hand of God because you are praying for something so big that you know you can't do it on your own." Tonight, though, I think I finally figured out my "God-sized dream."

I'm dreaming, hoping, and praying that this experience can be the beginning of a life in which I truly trust God. I've seen glimpses of it before. If I had to pick a time in which I feel I was REALLY following God's plan for me, with the least amount of questioning and the most amount of trust, I think I would say it was deciding to go to Puebla. I never chose this path. I came into this year saying, "yeah, it's a cool trip... but not for me." But God led me down this path, and I followed. And it was AMAZING.

So... why do I let it slip away, now? Why do I let worry and fear and mixed messages send me into a frenzy? I hate that, and I'm sick of the life it makes me lead. I hate that signing up for classes and paying fees can send me into a frenzy. I hate that life throws me a curve ball, and I run away crying. I don't want to do that. I want to step up, knock one out of the park, and do it because God is making it happen. It's not even that, though. I want to trust God to do it on His time. I want the certainty in my heart and in my mind that God has a tremendous plan for me. I usually do. But if something comes up that seems to stand in the way of that plan, I freak out. For example (this is entirely hypothetical =)), an e-mail directly contradicting a phone conversation about whether all of my documents are on file at the school at which I hope to study abroad in a month is enough to drive me to tears. I know a lot of this is just the fear of a new situation being expressed, but it's ridiculous. God has a plan, and He will protect me, and He's taking me where He wants me. I know this. I just... I want to believe it. I want to trust it. I want to cling to that when the waves crash down, and I want my faith in God to keep my afloat.

Tonight, at Campus Christians, we talked about being a servant. We talked about how we're not called to be kings, but instead we need to be servants in our communities. This wasn't anything revolutionary, but our discussion of what qualities a good servant displays got me thinking. A good servant trusts his master, right? A good servant, when sent on a mission, doesn't say "master, that's not the fastest way," or "don't you think there's a better plan?" He follows, he obeys, and he recognizes the wisdom and power of the one who leads him. THAT is what I want for my life.

That's enough rambling for tonight. I'm done.

"He will direct your paths"

I sent an e-mail to a friend tonight. I decided to post part it on here, too.

I was trying to fall asleep last night, and I had one of those moments of complete clarity. Maybe you know what I mean... the kind where, two months after something happens, you go "OH, I GET IT NOW." And it's a little bit annoying, because it's late at night and you want to sleep. But mostly it's just cool because, after all that time, you get "it." Anyway, I had one of those moments, and I decided to share it with you.

I think some of the first Bible verses I memorized were Proverbs 3:5-6 ("Trust in the Lord with all Your heart...and He will direct your paths.") But I've also always wondered what that looks like. Because if we have free will, it's not like we lose that when we start to trust the Lord. And I've been alive long enough to realize that following God is not always easy, and it is often scary. So, I guess I took those verses and I believed them, but I never really GOT them. But I think I finally understand, at least what those verses mean to me. Do you remember that crazy two week period or so, when I: stopped talking to my best friend for two weeks, decided to apply for Globalscope the night before the application was due, got invited to do Puebla in the fall, had to ask my parents if I could do something I'd never told them about before, and then had to bail on two of my best friends for housing? Well, here's the thing that hit me last night: I NEVER thought about not doing one of those things. Those two weeks began with me deciding to trust God wholeheartedly, and then each of those decisions just HAPPENED. It's not that there were't two different possibilities each time, but I guess I never considered half of them. I was scared to do a lot of them (you might remember the time I called at 10:30 on Saturday morning to ask if we could talk because I was convinced [those two friends] were about to hate me =)), but I never thought about not doing them. So... maybe that's what God directing my paths looks like. It's not that things aren't scary; instead, it's that I'm already on the path He chose for me before I ever realize there's another option.

lots of thoughts; few transitions

Life is still relatively uneventful, and I just keep insisting on writing about it.

Work in the lab has been pretty good. I'm learning how to do something new, which is always an exciting thing in life. Oh, and after four weeks of failing to get good results, I finally got a colony of bacteria to grow. This is encouraging news, and I'll find out on Monday if it is really what I want. Regardless, the procedure I have been working on since the first week I got there is FINALLY working, and that is very exciting news. I got an e-mail from payroll saying that I can't work more than 40 hours a week. This is good, I guess - it gives me an excuse to not work too late or on weekends. At the same time, it's sort of disappointing that I can't record any more than 80 hours per pay period. Oh well... there are certainly more important things than money.

Speaking of more important things... the Bible study and worship nights at the CC House have been good. I've gotten to know a couple of girls. One of them is really quiet, and she seemed really surprised when I came up and asked how her trip home this past weekend went. The other is the exact opposite - she has lots to say, and she usually says it loudly. We don't have Bible study this Monday, but I'm looking forward to next Monday. It will be the first one with both of the girls, and I am hoping the quiet one will contribute in that setting. I'd really like to hear what she has to say about the things we discuss.

Everyone on the Puebla team was given a devotional. Each day has something simple: a short passage of scripture, questions to answer, or things to think about. Each week has a different theme. Last week was community, and this week is "goals and dreams." We have been challenged to set goals (for ourselves and the team). I really want to set specific goals, and I plan to spend the week thinking about them. I'm going to take some time Monday or Tuesday and go to a park or something, and just sit and pray. I think specific goals can be good, because it's really an opportunity for God to show Himself and His glory. A goal of "I want the ministry to grow" is impossible to measure... is one new person proof of success? But a goal of twenty new members, or twenty baptisms, or something... that's something that can be measured. I'm not saying I want to just pick a huge number and hope God shows up. Instead, I want to take time to pray, and really seek God's will. I feel like seeking His goal is the best way to do this: if we seek His desires, and really push for something that we believe God to be seeking, then we will find success and, in turn, glory for the Lord.

I have also decided to buy a notebook as my "Mexico" journal. I'm not sure what it will include, but I know that it will have at least seven pages already: one for each member of my team, so I can record their answers to devotional questions, and one for prayers and dreams for the ministry. We'll see where it goes from there.

Sorry for the complete lack of transitions in this entry. I know an English teacher who would hate it; however, he would love my use of semicolons.

I like lists.

I've decided that I often work better with lists/bullet points than I do with paragraphs on this thing. Maybe because I have so many small thoughts to share that the transitions would be next to impossible with a long thing. So, in list form, here are some things worth sharing:

- The air conditioner in my car works again! I was worried about this, primarily because my mom finally decided she needed a new car when her Saturn's AC broke. Thankfully, it wasn't the compressor or some other very expensive part that needed replacement - it was a five dollar valve.

- I got a really great e-mail tonight. I wrote a good friend/mentor from this past year a few weeks ago, and I never heard back from her. I'd sort of forgotten about it, but she wrote back tonight. It was a really nice one, too... she said that I had more of a desire to learn than any other branch bark (sophomore) this year, and that she told one of the freshman interns from last year that I "kicked ass" (excuse the language =)) this year. She also said that the 15 minutes at the start of small group, when it was just her and me, were the best moments. It just made my evening, to hear such nice things from someone I really love and respect. But I'm goofy about stuff like that.

- I get to minigolf in approximately three weeks. This is fantastic. I love minigolf.

- I went to a movie alone for the first time this past weekend. It was actually nice. I think some high school kids who know me saw me, but I ignored them. Anyway, the movie ("The Lake House") was fantastic... well, maybe it was corny, but I really enjoyed it.

- My jacket will be here Friday, most likely. Now, we just need a sudden two-week phase of 60 degree weather. That'd be nice.

That's all for now. I think I'll sleep.

summer rain

As I think I might have said before, I really love summer rainstorms. I was lucky enough to be on the porch as one began tonight. I love soaking up the whole experience, with all of my senses: the smell as the rain really starts to pour, the sound of the rolling thunder and drops pounding the pavement, grass, and tops of houses, and the individual lightning bolts flashing across the sky. I wish I could explain this, but it's just something I love. It's one of those things I miss when I'm in Atlanta, and I really want to end up living in a place with a sky open enough to enjoy these storms.

In other news...well, there's not much other news. I ordered a jacket online that I have wanted for a while. It was sort of expensive, and that was the only thing that was keeping me from buying it. But I decided to do it, and I think I'm glad.

Life is generally pretty good. I'm a little bit lonely here, but I think I'm okay. I miss my friends, but the people at the ministry I've gone to a couple of times are really nice. Hopefully it will be good this week, too. I guess I probably need to get used to missing my friends, since I'm going to Mexico for a few months pretty soon here. I think I want to download this free program called Skype. Apparently it's like AIM, only you can actually talk to the other people. It'd be nice to do that every so often while I'm in Mexico. Thank goodness for the internet, huh? Where would we be without email and AIM?

I guess I should go to bed now. Maybe something interesting will happen to me someday, and I'll actually have something worth writing about. Since I have nothing truly interesting to share, I will instead leave you with a quote from one of my coworkers.

(I turned around from what I was doing and saw him with his shirt raised halfway, and he was rubbing his stomach...)
Me: What are you doing?
F: Oh... I got bored, so I was playing with my tummy.

my life is not that exciting, but I still write about it.

I wish that I had some sort of "escape" here at home... I know that I CAN leave whenever I want, it just doesn't always feel that way. My mom knows when I leave for work, and she knows when I should be getting home. In fact, I got home from work "late" yesterday (about 20 minutes later than normal), and she said that she had started to get worried, and that it was a good thing she didn't start dinner any earlier. I'm not saying this is a bad thing. I just...miss having somewhere I can be that doesn't have a specific, expected duration associated with it.

I guess this is a silly thing to be concerned with, and it probably sounds pretty stupid and self-centered of me, to be bothered by my mom focusing so much of her energy on me. I could just use a break from it. Especially after being in the same car/room from noon Friday to Sunday night.

For some reason, Mexico has suddenly become very REAL. All of this talk about fees, and room assignments, and orientation just makes it seem very real and very soon. Scary stuff. I know I shouldn't be that scared - I'm doing this because that's where God wants me. I'm certain of that. But still... it's scary. I'm just trying to take it all one thing at a time, trusting that God will get me where He needs me to be. I just might be a little freaked out while He does. =)

As usual, I feel like there's a lot more swimming in my head than is choosing to come out through my fingertips right now. Work is good, reading is still fun (I'm 2/3 finished with the third "A Wrinkle in Time" book), and there is very little to complain about. There are things I miss and people I miss more than those things, but I suppose that is to be expected. Good conversations with great friends are rivaled only by fantastic conversations with the best of friends, but I guess that makes sense, too.

I'm done for now.

A Texas Aggie in Kansas

So, my great-aunt and great-uncle are in town tonight to pick up some furniture. They live south of Houston, so I don't get to see them nearly as often as I get to see much of my extended family... maybe once a year, sometimes less often. It's always great when I do see them, though. Jack is a boat pilot, and he is one of my absolute favorite people. He is, somehow, simultaneously one of the rudest and one of the most wonderful men I've ever met. He comes off as very brash and outspoken (probably because, really, he is). But under all that, he's a sweet man who has raised a strong family and who treats my mother, sister, and me with an amazing amount of love. He and his wife, Jere, have a lasting and beautifully straightforward relationship - they tease, challenge, and love one another in a way that I hope to have with my husband (after I find that husband, I guess =)) someday.

All that serious stuff aside, the evening was entertaining. Here are some of the great snippets, showing why my family cracks me up:

(My aunt and uncle were discussing my 30-something cousin's serious girlfriend - the first one he's really ever had for more than a couple of months...)
Jere: "And she's got a sister who just moved to Missouri..."
Jack: "Well, it's her brother."
Jere: "That's right."
Jack: "And it's not Missouri, it's Tennessee"

Jere: "She's not his usual type... she's full-figured, and she's got beautiful red hair."
Jack: "You think it's beautiful? Really?"
Jere: "Yeah, don't you?"
Jack: "No! It's got no shine to it! Look at Audrey. Her hair shines. How do you get it to shine like that?"

...Later tonight, my mom decided to show them pictures of my uncle's new house. If you know my mom, you can guess that her narrating a slideshow would be pretty entertaining. He best part:

Mom: "There are the stairs... and that's an entertainment center, there in the corner... oh, and there are some more stairs. That's the den. Those are their cabinets..."

Anyway, I've got to get to bed - if I'm not up and out of bed by 6:45, Jack has promised to give me an "Aggie wake-up." I don't think I want to find out what that is.

a compilation of random thoughts

I think I forget how much I enjoy reading during the school year. I do it some, but not nearly enough. I still do a lot of reading, but much of it consists of my organic chemistry textbook, essays for classes, and dense engineering texts. So now that I'm not bogged down with homework this summer, I'm taking advantage of the opportunity and getting some reading done. I finished "A Wrinkle in Time" this morning at work, and I checked out the other three books in the quartet from the library this evening. I can't believe I never read anything by Madeleine L'Engle as a child - I really loved "A Wrinkle in Time," and I'm looking forward to the next few of them, as well. I'm glad I had a decent summer reading list to steer me towards these classics I somehow overlooked.

Life is going pretty well. I get along with my mom pretty well, for the most part... as well as can be expected, considering there are just two of us in the house and she is, well, my mom. Sometimes it still surprises me how differently we look at things. It's surprising to me, too, that I'm more conservative than my mother. Although we share many of the same political views, our reasons for those views are often radically different. It seems like that's the reverse of what happens to most people - isn't the kid supposed to be the one who pulls away from her parent's conservative ways?

I feel like I had a lot more to say, but I guess I don't. I've wanted to write on here for a few days now, but I guess I don't have a lot to say. I'm starting to feel comfortable in my routine, and I'm hoping to get involved with and start finding a community later this week. I'm starting to feel like I'm on the cusp of something big. Mexico seems to be a ways off, but it's on the horizon. I'm excited, and most days that excitement is greater than the fear of leaving behind the familiar. I finally decided which three hooded sweatshirts to bring with me (trust me, I can't cut it to less than that), and that's a step in the right direction, right?

That's all for now, I suppose.

The only bad part about perfect weekends is that, eventually, they end. Oh well... there is another one on the horizon, not too far away.

That is all.