I should be sleeping...

I'm not sure how I feel about this new google/blogger thing. We'll see, I guess.

It's late, and I should be sleeping. I don't totally have a lot to say, but I feel like writing. So I am.

I have been in (and out of, and back in) a funk over the last few days. Maybe it has been my heavy workload that has been here, up until tonight. I don't know exactly. I just feel... lost isn't the right word. Just... without purpose here at Tech. I feel like I'm going through the motions, committing the most time and energy to the things that matter the least. Yet, somehow, I still have to dedicate that time. I need to do well in school. Not get 100% on every test or do homework instead of being with a friend... but I need to do well if I'm going to be a doctor and help people that way. I want to do well. But gosh... can staying up until 2 in the morning so that I can write code in a computer program, or studying for hours for a test, only to start thinking about the NEXT big assignment, really be the way things should be? And if it's not, how do I get out of that mindset?

I sort of feel, though, like it's more than that. I don't know, exactly. I went on a mini-vacation last weekend, and it was great. I always feel a tremendous sense of peace when I visit this particular friend. I stop worrying about grades, who I'll hang out with at CCF, and everything else when I go there. At the same time, though, I realize that I can't just hide from life... however nice it is to be there, it's just an escape. I still have to live my life and face its challenges. Now that I'm back, though, I feel overwhelmed. It's not an all-consuming feeling, just a gnawing, and ache in the pit of my stomach. I feel uneasy, but I can't put a name to the things causing this feeling.

I'm trying to turn to God with all of this. I know that's the only way this will get better. But it's hard. I don't know what to ask God for. Nothing is wrong, but I feel like I'm so far away from everything being right. Maybe this makes sense, but I almost wish that there WERE something specific so that I could say, "there, that's the problem." Instead, the best I can do is just say that I just want to get some sense of peace.

Good night.