Yo espero.

I think that my favorite word in Spanish is "esperar." It is a word that means both "to wait" and "to hope." I like it for that very reason. Sometimes, having hope means waiting for something a REALLY long time. Sometimes hoping makes you feel like you're waiting a really long time. I just love that those two words in English- one that seems so hard, or at least so challenging, and one that seems so uplifting and encouraging- can be the same in a different language. Maybe Mexico has something figured out that we dont.

I think one of the main ways that God has changed me this year involves my openness. This has been a challenge for me for a while, but I think He's really done some cool stuff this semester. Freshman year, I struggled to ever be open. My immediate reaction, even among my closest friends at school, was to close down and process a problem on my own. I hated talking to other people about serious things - it was a sign of weakness, of my own internal pain. It reveal the fact that I used the humor I love to share with others as a mask. My second year, I learned that community was important. I realized that God uses community to show love and to teach me. I realized that, when I was struggling with something, I HAVE to go to people in my community. It is one of the key ways God shows His love to us. However, it was a fight every time. Even in the spring, I waited almost 24 hours to tell anyone in my church community that I had lost a family member. Every deep conversation came after a hard-fought internal struggle about whether it was right.

So, what's happening this year? I think God is teaching me what a beautiful thing sharing can be. It's becoming natural. A good friend at school recently told me that she really knew we were close friends after our first deep, serious conversations. These conversations aren't a mandatory part of a friendship; they are the times that solidified our friendship. Today, I had a burden on my heart and I knew I had to share it with someone. When I got to the house and saw that Angie was there, I felt glad. I still had to build up some courage to ask her to talk, but this time it took 10 minutes instead of 24 hours. I cried some, we laughed some, and she prayed some. She told me that my pain was beautiful; it's a sign of the love in my heart. It was good. I don't know if I'll ever get to a point where it'll be EASY to share with people. But I'm understanding how beautiful it is, and that is a huge change from the person I was a couple of years ago.

That's all for now.

Vivir con Él

One of the things we've talked about a lot here is that, a lot of the time, you never see the eventual impact of your words/friendships/works here. The people here are so tentative about embracing Jesus as a real, active relationship instead of a rigid religion that, most of the time, it's hard to see that you have made any difference at all. I guess that's why the last few days have been so cool. No one has publicly declared Christ, but I've seen people become "sold" on El Pozo... on the community, and on the love. And knowing that our faith in Christ is the sole reason that the love of El Pozo is so real and so deep... it's exciting.

Seeing the excitement at El Pozo tonight was awesome. The turnout was small, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. A friend sang along with praise for the first time (most of the Mexicans just sit and listen while we sing), and she stood up and shared how great of an experience it was. She described the weekend as "one of the best of her life." Unbelievable, man.

God is ridiculous.

Vivir con Él
Vivir con Él, es lo que un día espero
Estar con Él, es lo que más anhelo hoy
Más anhelo hoy

Cada día de mi vida esperaré en Tu amor
Cada dia de mi vida oirás mi clamor
Que sin Ti no soy nada
Que sin Ti no soy nada

Living with Him, it is a day I hope for
Being with Him, it is what I'm yearning for today
What I'm yearning for today

Every day of my life I have hope in Your love
Ever day in my life You will hear my cry
Without you I am nothing
Without you I am nothing

I have been awake since 7 this morning (15.5 hours). Here's the breakdown:
- 5.5 hours of climbing a mountain
- 7 hours in a car (on a "three hour" trip back from the retreat)
- 3 hours preparing to climb a mountain/ride in a car and returning from climbing a mountain/unloading a car.

The weekend was amazing, challenging, and exhausting. I'll say more tomorrow. For now, though, I survived La Malinche.

scattered thoughts, as usual

Man, God is cool. I have seen how cool He is through pictures, talks, music, stories, and even personal experiences. How awesome. I spent an hour outside today, just listening. I do a lot of talking, and it was definitely time to sit and listen. And it was among the highlights of my week. Things aren't perfect; the problems that existed still exist. But I know I've got Him with me the whole time. I am going to do my best to keep doing the listening thing this week.

A thought hit me tonight, and it scared me. In a couple of months, it will be much more difficult to have a life focused on God. Right now, He is my reason for being where I am. He is the subject of meetings, and my closest friends all are actively seeking Him, as well. It's going to be hard to leave this place, this atmosphere. It will be a challenge to set aside 30 minutes in the morning and an hour later in the day, just to seek Him. I want to do it, though. I know I need Him just as much at Tech, and I know it will be even more important to put effort into the discipline of it. Tech is a place that makes it so easy to slip into complacency, and I don't want that.

My goal for the week is to, as my dear Mormon "foster mother" once put it, "think nice things and say them." I struggle with sharing encouragement, probably because of my general fear of openness. But this week, I'm going for it. Yeah.

Time for the late-night showing of "America's Next Top Model." Heck yes.

life is hard sometimes.

About seven months ago, as I sat in my Globalscope interview, Alan Kemper asked me a question that surprised me:
"You're in Puebla, and Satan attacks you. How does he do it? What's his plan of attack?"

I responded in a way that didn't seem especially profound: "He takes something bad at home... big or small, friend or family... and he uses it. He takes advantage of the situation and makes me feel like I can't open up to my community in Mexico. And, in one swift blow, I shut down. And if I'm not open, I can't serve God."

In the last two nights, Satan implemented his attack. He came with a full-on attack tonight. But here's the crazy thing: I saw it, and I'm fighting back.

A couple of people in my family are hurting right now, and it's hard to sit in Mexico and watch. It scares me, and I'm doing my best to put my trust in God. I told one of my closest friends about it yesterday, and she said she'd pray. Today, we talked for a minute online, and I opened up a little more and told her how mad, sad, etc. it was making me. And she went away. She wasn't a source of support; she was absent. She didn't help me deal with my feelings; she didn't even acknowledge them. And instead of thinking it might have been a mixed-up online situation, I got mad. I let Satan make his swift blow, and I started to shut down.

And then my conversation with Kemper replayed in my head. I knew I couldn't let that happen. So I texted another friend, and we went for a walk. I cried, she listened, and then we talked. We talked about how it's OK to be mad/sad/hurt by this situation. Emotions are OK; denying them is not okay. We talked about how God uses all of these experiences, and how we both know we're growing. And she prayed for me... a beautiful, honest prayer of a friend.

This semester is hard, and God is pushing me. Satan's trying to win this one. But I know that as God pushes, He also carries me. So, I pray that I can let Him do that.

that's just the way it is

It's only 11:15, and I'm seriously considering going to bed. Normally Thursdays are the nights we all go out to a salsa club, but seven of us have a test tomorrow. So... no Portos tonight. That's okay with me, though. After a busy day filled with class, talking, and playing sports, I'm not especially in the mood to go out tonight. I studied for a while, and I'm sick of it for now. I'll do it more tomorrow. (Class isn't until 2.)

I gave my testimony this afternoon to the exchange students. I'm still not GREAT at being open with people, so it was a little bit scary. I think it went fairly well. I dont know... the last two weeks have been people with hardcore stories, and my life story seems pretty mild in comparison. I know that's not what matters, and I did the best I could to share my story in a context that made sense for everyone there. Regardless, I know it was good for me to do... I think it's important to share my story, both so that people can better know me, and also so that I can gain insight from saying it out loud.

A cool thing happened before Cafe Ingles... Corrie (one of the interns, a recent Tech grad) said she had something for me in the office. We went down there, and she gave me a card that she and the other interns had made for me. It has a cow in a field on the front, and inside it says "Moo-chas Gracias!" All five of the interns wrote me a little note, telling me that they appreciated the hard work I put into Open Mic Night. I guess I did more than I had to - helped in the kitchen a little bit, helped wash the dishes afterwards - but it wasn't really anything I thought was a big deal. I was pretty surprised by (and very appreciative of) their gesture.

I know I'm growing here, and that's a cool thing. There are days where it stretches me, and it's hard... but I know I'm still growing. I hope that doesnt stop. Man... it's so hard to believe, that I'm halfway done with my semester here. I feel like the time has flown by, and I feel like there is so much left to do in such a short amount of time. The retreat is just over a week away, and I hope there's a huge turnout. A group of us is going to Chiapas, the one place I REALLY wanted to go while here, in less than a month. And then... just over a month until I'm home. Crazy.

I had a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup today. Angie brought them back for us from the States (she was home last week). It was AMAZING.

I think I'm going to get ready for bed. I've jumped from topic to topic enough for one night.

thoughts

I think that one of the ways that God is using this semester is to help me see all of the roadblocks that Satan tries to use to keep me from following the Lord. I realized this about anger earlier in the week; I think he does it in a number of ways, actually. I think it's important to realize that, though... I was explaining to some of the girls the other day, that I think I (and many people, probably) have a habit of saying "Yeah, God, I want to follow You. There's just this wall in the way. Don't worry. I'll climb it, then I'll keep going." And God tries to tell us that He's there, ready to destroy the wall with a strong push, a hammer, a bulldozer, whatever... but we're so busy trying to scale the wall to get to God, we ignore that He's right there with us. I spend so much time trying to figure out how to quit being angry about something so I can get back with God, I forget that He's still there, even when I'm angry.

One of my favorite things about Mexico is that, here, I don't feel like I limit myself to the person I know I am. I know I can't dance... that doesnt keep me from going to Portos each week with friends, or doing a goofy skit about "gringo dancing" for Open Mic Night. I play flag football even when I'm one of the few girls in the game. I joke with people I barely know after En Vivo, I speak up in leadership meetings, I have opened up to the other four girl. I'm not saying I'm an entirely different person, and I'm not even saying that I do all of these things all of the time. But still... things are different here, and I like that. I like the person I feel like I am becoming. I hope and pray I continue to grow when I go back.

Speaking of being open, I have to give my testimony to the other nine exchange students (plus Angie) on Thursday. I'm a little freaked out... I need to sit down sometime and pray and think about all of the things I need to include.

That's all for now, I guess. I have to write a speech for class.