an assortment of thoughts

My mom brought me a present from California for taking care of the cats. It is a clock shaped like an egg, and its name is Bob. (Neither she nor I made this name up... it's the actual product name.)

It is so fascinating to me, to watch my sister. In some ways we are remarkably similar; more often, I find it difficult to believe that we are really related.

I read a chapter of a really great book tonight... the chapter was about the importance of community. The entire time I read it, I felt really compelled to take time to email a friend from this past year who I haven't talked to since leaving Atlanta. I emailed her. I don't know why I struggle so much to believe that people are genuine friends, not people who just get paid (very meager amounts) to act as friends.

Now that "High School Musical" is on sale as a DVD, I imagine it will be a long, long time until they show it on TV again. This leaves me with a big question: am I too self-conscious to go into Blockbuster and rent it?

I think I should go to bed before I start discussing how great "Model Behavior" was. Yeah.

things I love and other thoughts from the lab...

I have now successfully completed three days in the lab. That's a drop in bucket compared to 10 weeks, I guess... but it seems like the first couple of days can be the hardest sometimes, so I'll view these three days as an accomplishment. =) I feel like I have actually done very little in these three days, as I really only have about 14 pieces of data to show for 24 hours work of work. I guess that's just how research goes. It's hard to not be discouraged when minor mistakes are almost more frequent than any sort of results worth noting.

Anyway, I got 12 of the 14 pieces of data mid-morning, so this afternoon was pretty slow. Things seem hectic when doing two things at once, but when you only have one, there seems to be an awful lot of downtime. In all of that downtime, I did some reading and some thinking. The thinking was mostly a result of my mind wandering, but I did think about some interesting things. I'm going to write them down... if you get bored, feel free to stop reading.

- I am not defined by my failures, nor am I defined by my successes. This is a lesson I've been learning for a while. Historically (in the History of Audrey), it has been a battle to not be defined by school - when I mess up in a class, I am NOT a complete failure; simultaneously, when I get an 'A', that does not define my worth. Lately, though, I've realized that I have the same mindset in life. It has taken a while and some very patient people, but I'm starting to buy into the idea that my failures don't have to stick with me. I will NEVER be defined by my failures, no matter how many times I trip and fall. And, really, there is only one success that matters - letting go of my life and giving it to God is the only decision that I have to make.

- "The heart is the dwelling place of our true beliefs." I'm reading "Waking the Dead," by John Eldredge right now, and I'm really enjoying it. I think this quote is sort of a novel idea to me... if you know me (and anyone reading this, hopefully, at least knows something about me), you know how logic-oriented I am. I love to understand WHY, and I rarely do something unless there is a logical reason for it. So, this book challenges me with something I've been working on for a while... opening up my heart. I'm not sure why, in the past, I've chosen to stay emotionally reserved. Eldredge suggests it is, perhaps, because we know the power of that which is in our hearts, and we're scared of the tears and joy that could come along with living a fuller life. I think that's probably a big part of it. In more recent times, I think part of it is being scared that opening my heart up will lead to building unhealthy relationships. I know that's not true - a life with an open, alive heart means one in which God has fully invaded my heart, and a life like that cannot be bad. I KNOW all of this, and I am finally starting to feel it. That means learning all of this stuff over again, and constantly reminding myself (see bullet point number one) that I am not who I was when I failed. Even today, I had to stop, think, pray, and decide for myself that it is normal (and maybe even healthy, in some amount) to miss a dear friend. It's not the gut-wrenching, breath-stealing, painful sort of missing that once hurt my heart, my relationship with God, and even my relationship with the person I missed... it's just a normal, "man, I like when she's here and it's a shame that she's not" train of thought. It went away, and the day went on. And I think that's okay... but I'm still learning. =)

- In Eldrdge's book, he tells the reader to stop reading, close the book, and make a list of things he/she loves. Here is my list, in no particular order, written in the student office on a scrap of paper between experiments...

Things I Love
Watching God do His thing
A wonderful best friend
Worship at CCF
My community at CCF
My friends from school
Reading
Playing the piano in my house
Watching good movies
Good food
Perfect evenings in late spring/early summer in Kansas
Thunderstorms
My family
Laughing

Hopefully this wasn't too boring. I'm going to go read "Gene Cloning: an introduction."

first day of work list

I just saw a commercial for CVS Pharmacy in which the pharmacist actually starts to cry because of the deep emotion involved with being a good, successful pharmacist. Odd. Perhaps even more odd because I wasn't fazed a bit by this commercial (other than thinking "man, that's sort of weird"), while other commercials (Sylvan Learning Center commercials are a good example) choke me up EVERY time. Oh well, I'm a freak.

On another note, I have finished my first day of work in the pharmacology and toxicology department at KU. It was pretty fun. However, I don't really feel like writing long paragraphs that would probably be too boring to read... instead, I'm going to share some interesting facts about the day, in list form. Ready?

some facts of my day
1. The other two students in my lab are named Francisco and Mac.
2. They are both very nice guys.
3. I washed lab dishes for a while today. That is, according to my boss, "how everyone starts."
4. I am currently working on a project to find out if a set of mice have the gene that my boss is trying to breed mice to have.
5. Apparently, all of the cafeterias on campus are closed this week.
6. I discovered this after walking to two dfferent cafeterias.
7. Chicken pot pies heated up in the convenience store in the student union are, at best, mediocre.
8. Claire, I saw your dad.
9. He didn't see me because he was riding his bike on one path as I walked on another.
10. I'm tired.

That's all I have to say for now. I have to go to dinner at the Olive Garden to celebrate the birthday of someone I've met once and who is approximately 50 years older than me. This should be a blast.

Lessons I've learned...

It's time for a little bit of reflection on the past year. We're going to "short, concise" thoughts. So, here's what I've learned about:

my community

- I can be a part of a Christ-centered community. (An important part, even!)
- People are, generally, much more understanding than I expect them to be.
- The idea that those who care about me do so regardless of my mood/emotions at a given moment is not so a fantasy.
- In fact, opening myseful up to others actually can strengthen relationships.
- It is easier (and more fun) to laugh with people that I know that I can cry with, too.
- Although I may have "church friends" and "non-church friends," it's possible to blur the line between groups. In fact, the consequences of doing so can be amazing.

myself

- I'm capable of opening up to others
- I'm not incapable of feeling God. I know that's a double negative, but that's how I had to learn it.
- I am not controlled by schoolwork or grades.
- I can let go of pain, unhealthy relationships, and guilt.
- I can feel the love of God, and I'm learning to share that love with people I care about.
- It's so much more fun to be free than locked in my self-imposed cage of guilt and shame.
- I can be a person fully pursuing the love of God; I like that person a lot.

God

- He believes in me.
- He was never hiding or far away from me - I just wasn't ready to look up and see Him.
- He never wants distance between Him and me. I'm the only one that can create that distance.
- Follwoing God is scary. But, if I just focus on following Him, and not trying to figure out how to do it, then I can be halfway down the path He set out for me before I ever realize what I'm doing.
- God works through pain; just as often, though, he works through laughter, hugs, late-night excursions, and trips to the dining hall. It's amazing to look back and see that we aren't alone during painful, lonely times. But if you look back at the best, most fun times, you'll see Him there, too.

Let's hope many more lessons are to come this summer.

I have a job!!

It feels like I haven't written on this in a while... I guess it has been less than a week, but a lot has happened since then. I've been in...nine different states (GA, TN, KY, IL, MO, IA, NE, SD, and KS for those keeping score at home), and I've spent time with a wide variety of people. Anyway, I'm finally somewhat settled in at home, and I'm pretty okay with spending the summer here.

I finally got a job today, and that's pretty exciting. I'm working in a lab at KU, doing basic lab tech stuff. I don't know exactly what I'm doing yet, but from what the professor told me today, it should be ineresting. I guess I'll probably be working with these mice who have all been genetically "programmed" to have diabetes, and they basically use genetic therapy to determine when the diabetes will develop. Then, they watch the nervous system degrade over time, and record how different genetic scenarios impact the nervous system's response to stimuli. I guess they're getting a new device to test with pretty soon, and they weren't sure how they were going to get it all set up... the hope is that my "engineering background" will come in handy, and I might end up developing the protocol for this new system.

That probably sounds like a lot of nerd jargon, but I'm pretty pumped. The pay is okay (read: better than Pet World =)), and I should be able to get some good experience. Also, he wants me to work at least 40 hours a week, which is good - it'll keep me busy. Part of what makes this cool is that, for the first time, I'm going to be useful BECAUSE of some experience. When I worked in Maryland, I was useful just as a set of hands that could do what I was told. Now, I'm "the engineer" for the lab, and that's sort of cool. Also, just because of paperwork and stuff, I will have at least the end of this week and probably some of next week to hang out and enjoy summer. Spend time relaxing, sleeping in, and do all the things I like to do in Lawrence.

Tomorrow is my final road trip for a little while... picking up my best friend from school in Missouri. It shouldn't be too bad... 2.5 hours each way isn't very far, and it's definitely worth it to spend some time with a friend (and get my newt back!). It'll be good.

Time to go read some more... I love reading, and Jodi Picoult's novels are so easy to get caught up in. I've definitely missed this during the school year.

My turn at "the most fun game ever!"

Instructions: Answer the following questions by means of your favorite picture from the first page that pops up on Google Image when you enter the answer into the engine.

1. The city and state of the town you grew up in, no quotation marks.

Okay, so I copied the person I stole this from. But it was seriously the best picture up there. And my house was being built in 1867, which is kind of neat.

2. The town where you currently reside.

The coolest part about this one is that, if you look carefully, the exit is actually the exit to my campus... neat, huh?

3. Your name, first and last, no quotation marks
There are no words to explain this.

4. Your grandmother's name

There are words to explain this... HAHAHA. I have no idea who this woman is, but she is NOT my grandmother.

5. Your favorite food

I promise my favorite food isn't Kenny G. But when he comes up on a search, you pretty much have to use his picture. Am I right?

6. Your favorite drink

Science is cool!

7. Your favorite smell

If I promise I didn't put "feet," will anyone believe me?

8. Your favorite song

This is hardly the view from my front porch, but apparently it's someone's...

I'm taking a study break (wishing statistics would just go away), and I was messing around on facebook. Definitely a great way to waste time. Anyway, I ended up on the page of this guy from CCF who I've had this small crush on (nothing big, just one of those guys who you notice, when he's around)... and one of his favorite quotes is

"... and boom goes the dynamite!"

...obviously, he's my soulmate.