moving forward

My small group today blew my mind, and I want to write about it before I lose my thoughts about it. After everyone got there, Becky handed us all a piece of paper and told us to write down all of the baggage we carry with us every day. Some were supposed to be literal (cell phone, Buzzcard, keys), but the point was to think about the mental, emotional, and spiritual baggage we carry with us. So, with an amazing playlist of Guster, Death Cab for Cutie, and others in the background, we did it. Most of the stuff were things I already knew were going to be on there - my parents' divorce, a fear of abandonment, etc. But there were a couple of things that surprised me, both in their presence and absence from the list.

Anyway, after we came up with our lists, Becky took us out to a big rock on a hill next to the interstate (one of the weird parts about Tech is its immediate proximity to I-75/85 and their 10 lanes of traffic). One by one, we shared some of the stuff on our lists. Then, we all stood up and Becky said, "Okay, here's the thing. Everything on these lists: the fears, the pain, the struggles... they AREN'T who you are. They are the past, they are gone, and they aren't you. So... we're moving forward." Then, she pulled out a lighter, lit her piece of paper on fire, and let it burn to ash on the rock. One by one, we each did it. Finally, she told us that it was time to move forward, and that God wanted us to move forward. So, now I have a green arrow drawn on my left hand reminding me to move forward.

Maybe this isn't anything new or revolutionary. But today, it was awesome to hear. The fact that our fears and concerns aren't just things we're stuck with... wow. What freedom, you know? Just like it says in Hebrews 12, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." How cool is it, that we're not just called to bear these burdens and approach God and live our lives wearing our shame on our sleeves? We're called to let go of ALL of that shame, sadness, and fear and just live the life God has planned for us.

So, I've never been big on the whole Lent thing... I guess our church never emphasized it very much, so I've just never approached this season in this way. But this year, I'm going to give something up. I'm going to give up the shame and fear that keeps me from trusting God completely. I know this won't be the last time I make this decision, and I know I won't succeed at even a perfect 40 days. But if the whole point of Lent is to prepare our hearts for Easter, what better way is there to do so, than to start giving up everything holding me back from feeling Christ's love completely?

I've been meaning to do this for a couple of days now...

This week has been hectic, but while walking to and from class, meetings, etc., I've thought of a couple of things that might be worth sharing with the world (or the very very tiny corner of the world which reads this =)).

I realized last night that I have a fear of growing up. One specific area, I guess. I'm scared to hit a point where I'm a person who makes decisions her parents do not approve of. Maybe this is merely evidence of an issue with approval-seeking behavior, but I sort of think it's not that simple. I just have always been "the good kid," the one who never got in trouble for doing anything, and the one who got approval from her parents before making any decisions of significance. And not that the choices I would make would be bad (I don't plan to take up a life of sex and drugs, drop out of school, and work the graveyard shift at Walgreens), but I think that I'm at a point where I could make some decisions that my parents might not thing are the best. Am I making sense? Probably not. I guess I think that's some sort of mark of adulthood - making decisions that you decide are in your best interest, regardless of the approval of your parents- and I'm scared to make that jump. I know my parents will support me even if they disagree with my choices; it's just hard to accept, at some point, they will disagree. And, despite this disagreement, I will have to make the choices that I believe are right. Scary.

I think I'm done for now. Maybe I'll come up with more to say later.

I am entirely overwhelmed by the amount of work that I have to do in the next two weeks. It is particularly overwhelming right now, as yesterday, today, and tomorrow have been packed with studying, meetings, and biomed group work. But then I sat down and made a list of what I have to do before next Thursday... and it is a massive list. It includes homework (ie a 5 page paper about a topic that I have yet to pick but should have picked a week ago), applications (every single one of the positions I am seeking this summer, except for my favorite one, is due on Wednesday), and laundry (I have no clean socks). And to make things even better, I will be in Gatlinburg, TN all weekend. I'm excited about the trip, and I think it will be a most welcome break. I just hope that I can focus on the right things instead of the pile of work waiting for me back in Atlanta.

I interviewed for Globalscope this afternoon. We'll see how it works out.

I'm tired.

A very John Cusack Valentine's Day

I think it's fair to say that this was my favorite Valentine I got this year. Okay, so there were only three total... but I think this might even beat the rose that Patrick and Kyle gave me. Jill handed this picture to me at small group, and I laughed harder than I have in a while. Anyone who has been friends with me long enough (as the current readership of ONE PERSON certainly has) knows what it sounds like when I really laugh. It was one of those genuine, unstoppable laughs, and the rest of our small group just laughed and watched me crack up.
On an entirely unrelated note, I had a really weird dream last night. It was one of those dreams that lasts most of the night, and I think that I might have even known that I was dreaming... but I kept dreaming, regardless. I was at some sort of a Superchurch -- one of those really huge ones you read about in Time magazine or the New York Times, or something, and for some reason everyone I knew was there (my mom's parents, my mom, my godfather, my best friend). Anyway, I decided to go up to the front (I have no idea why), and the pastor asked me if I wanted to "go for it"... I said sure, and then I realized that I had just agreed to be baptized. I thought it was an awkward situation, but no one was stopping me, so I just walked back towards the baptismal.
This is the point when the dream gets weird. Instead of being baptized then, the pastor (who was either Paula Abdul or Alicia Keys and wearing VERY little clothing-in my dream I connected her to trying to dress like Janet Jackson at the Superbowl a few years ago) told me to take this thing through a device something like an inhaler, and then sit down for awhile. By this point the church service was over, and my mom came up and helped me walk back to my seat. She told me she had to leave, but that she could get me out of the baptism thing if I wanted to, and I could just go back to my hotel and sleep. She did that, and my best friend came over, helped me up, put her arm around me, and helped me walk back to the hotel.
Interpretations, anyone? Or is this just another example of my subconscious being completely bizarre?

something in the air

I love spring and fall. Without a doubt, those are my top two seasons. (Hmm... it seems dumb to say that, but I'm going to keep it.) I guess I've never really thought about why, and I just figured that it was because of the mild weather associated with them. But then, this morning, it hit me. See, today is the first "real" day of of spring we've had in Atlanta. Granted, we haven't seen the last of winter. It will be in the 40s and raining again before the week is over. But today was pure spring. Anyway, back to the story. Today, this morning, it hit me. The reason I love spring isn't because of its moderation, but because of its possibility to be so much more than that. Are you following? Probably not. Let me try to explain a little better. =)

When I think of spring, I think of those days where I have a sweatshirt or jacket on, and the weather is just perfect. The sun is shining, but it's not hot enough to make me sweat. The trees are blowing, but I don't feel like I'm in the middle of a tornado. And in the shade, a chill runs across my skin. But what I REALLY love about spring isn't just those qualities, but that they are on the verge of being so much more. I love that the perfect spring morning can take you anywhere -- from a hot, sunny day to a cool, stormy evening. I see God in those spring mornings, you know? I see Him in the days that start hot and end hotter, too. But on those scorching-hot days, I see Him in one particular way. In the spring, it's different. I see Him not as what He is accomplishing in that moment, but as a powerful God who could do ANYTHING. Those spring days have potential. God could take them anywhere, and I'm reminded of all that He can do, all at once.

I woke up this morning and felt spring all around me. I dont just mean that I felt the beautiful weather. I felt the possibilities of everything God could do with my life: all of the ways He could use me, all of the ways He could teach me, all of the ways He could love me. I have the opportunity to serve and grow. How? I have no idea. But I tell you what... I'm just walking. And whether God sends lightning or sunlight, I can't wait to watch and walk through it.

late night creation

I'm tired. Theo has been asleep in his plant for hours. Why am I not following suit? Obviously, it's because I needed to create my latest attempt at success in the blogging world. Will it work? Who knows. For now, though, I'm going to follow the example of my favorite cold-blooded friend and go to sleep.