I have been given a task: before Monday, I have to create a CD containing my 20 favorite songs. I took this to mean 20 songs by 20 different artists, whether or not that was the intent of the original assignment. I have 19, so far. It's a pretty good mix - everything from David Crowder Band to Kanye West to Johnny Cash. The question: what is magical song number 20? Any advice?

I feel like I forget, remember, restate, and then re-forget this all too often...but I have been blessed with some amazing people in my life. I am so thankful for all the people who I can call "friends," whatever it means for that individual person. I am thankful for the people who are always there, whatever "there" means for them. I'm thankful for the people who get my sense of humor SO well. The ones who tell me not to play with my hair so much while I'm watching TV and then say "I can not bug you about that if you want..." The ones who run across a room because they haven't seen me since May, and the ones who tell me they love the eight-page emails, even if they don't have time to respond. The ones who hug me and mean it. The ones who challenge and comfort in the same breaths. The ones who know that God's Love and Truth are closer to beans in a jar than my favorite song. The people who see the same beauty I do in a true friendship.

A friend told me yesterday that we feel discomfort when God is changing us. I told her I was miserable, and she told me it was beautiful. After I looked at her like she was crazy, she told me that she thought it was beautiful, to watch me realize that the life I had once led now makes me miserable. And you know what? Somehow, an hour later, I totally agreed. I still have to figure out how to "grow out of this skin," and I know that might not be easy. But I can see now that I'm not trapped by who I have been; instead, I can be whoever God is making me. And I'm pretty excited about seeing who that person is. But here's the coolest part: even when the excitement fades, and even when I start to lose sight of this feeling (because, odds are, I WILL lose sight)... it's just as true. God's Truth is unchanging. And whenever I decided to remember it again, the excitement, peace, and joy will come back. I hope that, someday, I can learn to hold onto the peace and joy, even when the excitement ebbs.

Sorry that my thoughts are all over the place. Hopefully I'm not the only one who can follow my meandering mind.

I should be sleeping...

I'm not sure how I feel about this new google/blogger thing. We'll see, I guess.

It's late, and I should be sleeping. I don't totally have a lot to say, but I feel like writing. So I am.

I have been in (and out of, and back in) a funk over the last few days. Maybe it has been my heavy workload that has been here, up until tonight. I don't know exactly. I just feel... lost isn't the right word. Just... without purpose here at Tech. I feel like I'm going through the motions, committing the most time and energy to the things that matter the least. Yet, somehow, I still have to dedicate that time. I need to do well in school. Not get 100% on every test or do homework instead of being with a friend... but I need to do well if I'm going to be a doctor and help people that way. I want to do well. But gosh... can staying up until 2 in the morning so that I can write code in a computer program, or studying for hours for a test, only to start thinking about the NEXT big assignment, really be the way things should be? And if it's not, how do I get out of that mindset?

I sort of feel, though, like it's more than that. I don't know, exactly. I went on a mini-vacation last weekend, and it was great. I always feel a tremendous sense of peace when I visit this particular friend. I stop worrying about grades, who I'll hang out with at CCF, and everything else when I go there. At the same time, though, I realize that I can't just hide from life... however nice it is to be there, it's just an escape. I still have to live my life and face its challenges. Now that I'm back, though, I feel overwhelmed. It's not an all-consuming feeling, just a gnawing, and ache in the pit of my stomach. I feel uneasy, but I can't put a name to the things causing this feeling.

I'm trying to turn to God with all of this. I know that's the only way this will get better. But it's hard. I don't know what to ask God for. Nothing is wrong, but I feel like I'm so far away from everything being right. Maybe this makes sense, but I almost wish that there WERE something specific so that I could say, "there, that's the problem." Instead, the best I can do is just say that I just want to get some sense of peace.

Good night.

To do list...

- Sleep
- Have coffee with a friend
- Go to recitation and copy notes I won't understand for two weeks
- Study/go over biomechanics notes
- Take biomechanics test
- Arrange 21-song playlist into a good mix CD
- Finish chem homework
- Find someone to turn in chem homework for me
- Go to iMovie Fest
- Make a volcano out of candy and pop
- write in a card
- give the card to a friend
- pack
- eat some meals between now and Friday
- Sleep more
- Get away from the insanity for a little while