"Now faith is trusting what we hope for and being certain of what we do not see." - Hebrews 11:1

This has been one of my favorite verses for a long time. I've always liked the second half of the verse - "certain of what we do not see." I just think that's a beautiful idea. But this morning, the first half of the verse is what stuck in my head. It popped in my head while I was at work, and as I had a thought that seemed like something I should have realized a long time ago. I decided that hoping for things isn't always easy. It's easy to have things to hope for, sure, but the hard part comes once you start to hope for it. That's when the realization that it might not happen starts to creep in.

So... should we just stop hoping? I think that's what this verse addresses, in part. God reminds us of something it took me 20 years to consciously realize: trusting what we hope for isn't something we can do alone. It takes faith to do that. It's not easy, especially when everyone around us, common sense, and the resources we have available seem to make our hope nearly impossible. I think that's why, just a few verses later, we're reminded of Abraham. Sarah couldn't have children; Abraham was an old man. I'm sure that his neighbors, friends, and other contacts laughed at him when he talked about having a son. I know this doesn't mean we want to happen, happens. But it's encouraging, to see that God knew that hoping for things wasn't always easy, and that he tells us to keep on doing it - that hope is part of our faith.

In other news, my arm hurts like a mug. (Yes, I just said "hurts like a mug." I apologize to everyone who had to read that.) I went to the state health department's immunization clinic today, and I got three shots - my Tetanus/Diphtheria booster, a Typhoid vaccine, and a Hepatitis A vaccine. They said the Td shot frequently causes some aches, but they usually go away in a couple of days. I hope so.

I also got a form today from my mission trip coordinator. It's a form stating CMF's policy on missionaries taken hostage. I have to sign it so that it's clear that I understand, if I were to be kidnapped, that they will not pay ransom. (Although they will do everything they can to get me home safely.) Crazy stuff, huh?

Tomorrow is my last day at work, and I am glad. I think that's all, for now.

my eye's on more juice than a San Francisco Giant

I may not be Barry Bonds, but I am using steroids at the moment. Well... sort of. After two days of a dry, itchy, swollen, red eye, I finally decided to go to the eye doctor. He quickly diagnosed me with an eye infection, so I now get to put a drop of antibiotic and steroid in my eye every two hours. It's not bad, though... my eye is already noticably better, so that's a good thing.

I'm starting to get excited about Mexico... I think. I'm still sort of scared, but it has not been the predominant feeling over the last few days. Instead, I've been anxious to get out of this rut that I've been in this summer and get back to LIFE. It is so hard to stay in this 9-5 job (well, 8:30 to 5 job) in which I'm not going to accomplish anything really significant (a cure for diabetes, or something). It's even harder as I have the same conversations with the same coworkers in the same chairs at the same times every day. I see the world going on around me - a world of fun, joy, pain, excitement - I'm just too locked into the daily schedule to take part in it. I'm ready to get back to LIVING. I'm ready to see as many people as possible who mean something to me in Atlanta next week. I'm ready to be challenged, scared, and excited. I'm ready to LIVE.

...Or so I say for now. Who knows, a week from today, I'll probably be terrified that it's my last night in Kansas for four and a half months. But for now, I'm excited.

Part of my desire to life a life of feeling, even with the pain, comes from recent conversations with someone important to me. The discussion (before and after tragedy, incidentally) about what it means to FEEL has reminded me just how important that is. I consider the tears shed on the phone with a friend a reminder of the wide range of emotions with which God has blessed us, as humans. It's rough at times, but I think it also makes us more human. I read a passage in a book today that sums it up. This book is probably another reason for this newfound (or newly re-awakened, I guess) desire to feel. Not surprisingly (as this is the summer of Madeleine), it's another L'Engle book: The Summer of the Great-grandmother. It's about one summer in which four generations of family was gathered at her house, and her mother's descent into dementia. It feels like such an intimate look at not only her life, but her thoughts, and it really has hit home for the last couple of days. Today, I read something that seemed to be L'Engle's addition to a conversation I had this weekend:

"A house, like a human being, reflects its experiences. And I do not think that a house can be a happy house if no one has cried in it, if no one has died in it. If this seems contradictory, I can't help it. I rebel against death, yet I know that it is how I respond to death's inevitability that is going to make me less or more fully alive."

Maybe feelings things is hard sometime. But I agree with the author: if a life never knows pain, I also believe it never truly knows joy. The friends with whom I shared the pain of my grandfather's death are the same ones with who I share an amazing ability to laugh. The day a friend showed up at my front door to help me grieve the death of a schoolmate was the day I realized that I had a best friend, a friend like none I had ever had before.

Mexico will be scary, undoubtedly. But at the moment... I'm ready.

new friends.

I have spent the last few days in Sioux Falls, SD. (I'm still there, until tomorrow.) I took Friday, Monday (today) and tomorrow off from work so that I could have some sort of vacation this summer. Although SF might not sound like the average college student's dream summer vacation destination, it was a desirable choice because of one key (albeit temporary) feature: my best friend, the local paper's summer intern.

We've had a blast so far. (I think so, at least... I guess you'd have to get the other half of the "we"'s opinion as well.) Lots of laughter, lots of good food, miniature golf, and general good times. Here are some highlights (with approximately 18 hours to go):

- Teddy, our new friend at the miniature golf course. He was this horribly awkward boy, probably about 12 years old, who was mini-golfing alone. He kept edging up behind us and standing awkwardly close as we waited for the people in front of us to finish each hole. Eventually, we sat down at a bench before the next hole. Teddy apparently decided that this was our invitation for him to pass us. So he did. Did I mention that we have no idea what his actual name is? We just picked "Teddy." It seemed to fit him.

- Wendy's in our pajamas. Maybe this was a "lowlight," actually...but it was memorable, at the very least. We slept in, decided to eat lunch before getting ready for the rest of the day, and took off for the Wendy's drive-thru. However, the line was REALLY long, it was the hottest day of the year in SF, and we decided to go inside. We beat a rush of people, but the 20 people behind us in line looked at us a little funny. Maybe because we were in Wendy's at 1 pm, in our pajamas. But that's just a guess.

- We went to Walgreens, Wal-Mart, and Walgreens again to find the perfect pool toys. In the end, we went with two relatively cheap mattress-like things. They were perfect, and the pool was great. It was so nice to people watch, relax, and talk in the apartment pool.

- I got to go to church and meet all of the wonderful people my best friend is getting to know. That was really great... seeing a place with such a fantastic community, but also so focused on the Bible and its powerful truths. That church is such an answer to prayers, and it's so neat to see how God comes through: after realizing that God was pushing her to find a church that was driven by the Bible, my friend ended up at a church not only focused on Biblical doctine and truth, but surrounded by young adults striving to make those things the focus of their lives.

- Reading late at night. Sometimes the simple things end up being wonderful, and I feel like this is one of those things. Last night, we both had non-fiction Madeleine L'Engle books we wanted to read, and so we ended up doing that before going to bed last night. It was a great end to the day, and it was so nice to be able to stop, pass the book and point out a specific passage, and have a conversation about what we had each just read. The night before, we sat together and read some of the Psalms. It was a cool experience, and it was highlighted by my superb reading ability. At one point, instead of saying "...strike the jaw of my enemies..." I said "...shake the jaw of my enemies." Needless to say: 1) I was very tired. 2) We have been shaking each other's jaws ever since.

- Meeting Susan, Sam, and Spike at Falls Park. (A mother duck and her two ducklings.)

I know there is more, but that's all for now. I'm going to see the newspaper being printed tonight, and I think that'll be really neat. I'm excited to see it. I'm really glad that I had the chance to visit my best friend. I honestly feel like we have more fun every time we're together, and it amazes me to see how we each have grown in the time that has passed since our last time together - both as friends, and as the individuals God wants us to be. It is amazing to watch the heart and spirit of anyone you love grow and develop, but it seems that, when one is truly fortunate, they get a uniquely intimate look at another's heart. And to see a heart that you value as highly as your own become a heart filled with love from and faith in Christ... that's really something to praise God for.

tick tock, you're not a clock

Is it sad that the only reason I'm still awake is because I'm making sure my cousin gets back to our house safely? If he were already home, I definitely think I'd be fast asleep. =)

I started reading one of Madeleine L'Engle's nonfiction books today, and it's amazing so far. The book is called "Walking on Water," and it's a collection of her thoughts on faith and art - she includes (and actually focuses on) writing as an artform. Of course, I'm the antithesis of an artist: I think in terms of logic and science, and I am basically completely lacking in any sort of artistic ability. But this book appeals to me because of the way that she portrays an artist. She argues that any true artist - anyone who lets themselves be absorbed into the work of art - is glorifying God. She discusses how true artists bring "cosmos from chaos," and that gorifies the Lord (consciously or not). I may not be an artist, but I would love to, someday, bring "cosmos from chaos" in some simple way.

I was sold on the book two pages in, when she described two posters, together conveying (through imagery) two ideas central to her life: 1) Listen to the silence. Stay open to the voice of the Spirit. and 2) Slow me down, Lord. Later, she shares a quote that describes how the Christian artist (and for that matter, any Christian) is called to live:
"To be a witness does not consist in engaging in propaganda, nor even in stirring people up, but in being a living mystery. It means to live in such a way that one's life would not makes sense if God did not exist."

It's just a a really neat book, so far. (Granted, I'm only a quarter of the way through the book.) I'd recommend it to anyone who loves writing and reading, as well as anyone else.

In other news... well, I guess there's not much other news. The cousin still isn't home. I only have 3 and a half days of work until I get a vacation! I'm pretty excited about this trip. First of all, it's to the coolest state in the nation. Or not. But it is to visit my favorite person in the nation, and we're going to play my favorite "sport" in the nation. (Maybe even twice!) It'll be a blast.

I'm going to go upstairs and take care of the cats. Man, my life is so cool. =)

why I love my Shadow...

My dad is out of town right now, so I'm dog sitting. Well, sort of. My stepbrother didn't go on the trip because he just got a new job that wouldn't let him take a break... so he does all the feeding/letting outside stuff. But twice a day, I get the pleasure of walking my dog and stepdog. I miss having a dog, so it's really nice to get to spend some time with Shadow and her bigger, more annoying counterpart. Shadow is so great: she's 13 years old, and she is completely deaf. When I come over in the morning, the first five minutes usually involve me wandering around the house looking for her; generally, I find her fast asleep under my dad's bed. She always lags behind on the walks as Lucky pulls ahead to smell everything. She's capable of going at a trot the whole time we're out, she just seems to prefer a slow, steady pace. The best, though, is when she gets excited. Lucky chooses his battles carefully - he barks and growls at other dogs, squirrels, rabbits, and other worthwhile targets. Shadow, on the other hand, chooses the most random targets for her low growl and high-pitched bark: this morning, it was two young cleaning women who had just commented on how adorable they thought Shadow was. What a great dog.

I went to the eye doctor this morning. A week or so ago, I think I put my contacts in the wrong eye. So, the next morning, I switched them back to what I thought was the right order. Since then, my allergies have flared up, and I had been unable to decide if my contacts were in the right eyes. My eyes got dry every afternoon, and I would have a sinus headache some days. So, today, my eye doctor checked for me. Good news: it was all paranoia, and my contacts are in the correct eyes.

Other things I wanted to say:
- I still don't have a student number at UDLA, but I'm certain that it will all work out. I've still got a month until I leave... plenty of time for things to work out.

- I'm watching "Kyle XY" right now, and it's actually ptetty good. But don't tell anyone I said so.

- I pre-ordered the new Format CD, and it's supposed to get here next Tuesday. I can take it on the road trip I have coming up in a couple of weeks. I'm really pumped.

- I'm very much looking forward to sleeping in and taking the day off tomorrow.